How to Combat Sleepless Nights

Dear Ms. Jess, 

A couple of weeks ago my 2-year-old daughter started climbing out of her crib, and began refusing to sleep in it.  My husband and I spent a few nights trying to figure that out, and moving her from the floor to the crib after she fell asleep.

Saturday we got rid of the crib and now she has a twin mattress on the floor.  (We're waiting to set up the rest of the bed until after she gets used to sleeping on just the mattress, and to prevent her from falling from a high place).  Sleep has been a nightmare. 3 hours every night.. she was crying until midnight last night and I have no idea what to do. She is so tired and right now she needs a nap but she's just in there crying. 
She feels better if I leave the door open but then she won't stay in her room, she wants me in there with her but if I sit in there she doesn't sleep because she's watching me the whole time to make sure I'm still in there.  We don't like to keep the door shut, because we put a baby-proof handle on the door knob, and she does not know how to use it.  

I feel so bad about letting her cry but I just don't know what to do!! The girl needs sleep and so do I! I know this is probably just something I have to go through but any ideas are appreciated. 

Sleepless in Fairfield

Dear Sleepless, 

Okay, a couple of things.  I think it's great that you have transitioned from crib to "big girl bed" after noticing that she's no longer interested in her crib.  A lot of toddlers really enjoy this stage, and the more you involve her in the process (i.e., picking out her own sheets/bead spread, choosing a spot in her room to put her bed, helping build it), the more she'll come to love her bed and room.   

I'm not really sure why you would put a child-proof door knob on the inside of your daughter's door, but I would suggest removing it ASAP.  Her being locked in there like that, and unable to get out for whatever reason could lead to her developing some anxiety, and could be contributing to your (and her) bedtime woes. 

I would also suggest that you go ahead and set up her entire bed now.  That way, she gets used to it all at once, instead of training her to sleep on just the mattress on the floor, and then having to backtrack a little bit when you add in the rest of the bed frame. If your afraid of her rolling out of bed at night, you can buy some toddler bed rails, which will help prevent her from hurting herself.  

Now for the bedtime advice.  I would start with creating a routine that you and your husband can follow every single night.  Consistency is key when it comes to changing behavior.  For example, starting at 7:30, maybe you play a little bit, have bath, get dressed, brush teeth, read a book, and then get tucked into bed (for a 9:00 bed time).  By following a routine every night, she'll get used to what is expected of her, and there will be no more guessing as to what is going to happen next.  

When you tuck her in, do what you normally do (for example, kiss goodnight, prayers, nightlight turned on, favorite stuffed animal given), and tell her, "Mommy and daddy expect you to stay in your bed, because it is bedtime, and you need to go to sleep", or some variation where you express the importance of going to bed.  After you say that, leave the room.  Do not lay in bed with her, do not lay on the floor next to her-just leave.  If your daughter comes out of her room at any point, the first time she comes out, turn her around, lead her back to bed, reiterate that she is to go to sleep, and tuck her back in.  

After that first time of coming out of her room, each subsequent time you have to put her back to bed, do so with as little attention as possible.  So no talking, and not a whole lot of eye contact.  There is no need to restate that she is to go to sleep, as you have already told her twice-she knows what she is supposed to do.  Continue doing this for as long as it takes.  It could take a couple of tries per night for a few nights, or it could take 100 tries for a week or longer.  The key is consistency.  Eventually, she will catch on and will figure out that when you put her to bed, she is to stay there and sleep.  

To add in a reward for staying in her room and sleeping after you put her to bed, you could try a reward chart.  Make a chart for each day of the week.  Each night that she goes to bed and successfully stays in there without coming out (and tantruming), put a sticker (of her choice) on that day.  When she gets a certain number of days in a row of "good bedtime", she can earn a small reward.  

The number of "good bedtimes" in a row initially needed to earn the reward should be small-for example, 1-2 days.  As she begins doing a better job of staying in her room, you can begin lengthening the number of days in a row she must achieve before earning her reward.  So, from 1-2 days, you could then increase to 4-5 days, and then to 7-10 days, etc.  Be sure that you do not increase the number of days required too fast, as this could cause her to backtrack.  A good rule of thumb is for every 3 times she earns all her days in a row, increase her requirement by a few more days.

As far as rewards go-these should be inexpensive.  They can be tangible-hair ties or bows, crayons, stickers, or they could be activities-going to the park, going swimming, playing in the snow, whatever.  The rewards should be something that your daughter enjoys, and will like earning.  

As long as you are consistent with what you do, and do not cave when she cries, comes out of her room, or tantrums, this will soon be a distant problem, and you'll all be enjoying quality sleep soon!  

-Ms. Jess